The Reflection I See | An Honest Post


Hey my lil chickpeas. I want a little chit chat once again. About something I'm  actually a little bit nervous posting. Would you believe it? Holli nervous. Yup. But seen as it's Mental Health Week, it felt right.

I remember the days when I very first began blogging back when I was in no place for direction or even considering this as a career path. The days where I would just write whatever my heart desired. In a way my blog was the only place I could truly 'break free'. I never felt judged or bad about my mental health for the first time in my life. I kinda want this post to be just that. I want to write whats on my mind. What's lingering in my heart. 

I found this quote recently, and I felt some comfort in reading it.

Bodies. Reflections. What is considered beautiful. What is considered not. All around us, day in and day out consuming our little minds from the moments we enter the playground at 6 years old. I've struggled for a long time with my body and accepting my body. Especially as I've batteled with my Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphia. Don't get me wrong, times have changed and each day I am practising self acceptance more and more but I still have the rough days, Recently more than I would like. Hence this post.

At the moment, I'll be honest, I haven't been happy with my body at all. I know, it's not what most 'preachy' positive, self lovers like myself will turn around and usually say but right now: it's the truth.

And that's what is so misleading about mental health, you can't always see when a person is struggling. I've been feeling uneasy and uncomfortable and just not happy with the reflection I see. It's a big challenge and I know the more I brace and go through recovery, the more I realise my body keeps changing. This only means, the more I have to try and come to terms with it. 

Okay, I know not everything is about 'the way we look'. Trust me I love and accept my body in many ways and the wonderful things It's capable of. It can run. jump, dance, carry me to great places, give amazing cuddles, you name it! I'm so grateful for the things my body does for me each day, it keeps me alive. And I can preach this from the roof tops.

But looking in the mirror and accepting what you see, well that can be a challenge. And with my social status, this is something I now find hard to admit. Come on, we've all been there. Some days I really do just plead for a healthy relationship with the girl looking back at me. I mean she is meant to be my own best friend, right? I feel like I'm obliged to love my flaws or this girl. But recently I don't, instead I just feel deflated.

I can pick out my flaws way too easily. I mean can't we all? But it's something I really want to try and reduce. Whats not quite right or not quite good enough. Why was I cursed with big thighs? And intruding hips? And a tummy that bloats at every mouthful I make? Why me? The thing is the more I think like this, the worse it actually gets. The more I focus on these so called negatives, the more real they become. My confidence is then only dulled even more.

I guess that's the first step in accepting that reflection. And something I want to practise. The more we preach something the more we believe it. So I guess, we have to start trying to replace the negative talk with more positive talk, whether we believe it or not. We have to focus less on the things we dislike and more on the things we actually like.

It's a hard challenge and something I'm attempting to practise every day. we all deserve to be happy and comfortable in our own skin. And although the reflection looking back may disapprove, believe is it can do! We should be able to smile and accept what is looking back. At least that's what I hope for.

Now I'm not at all saying my whole Eating Disorder is based around my reflection because my god it isn't. But I'm not going to lie when I say it's a huge part of it. Eating Disorders are a scream for perfectionism and control, Through all aspects of life, especially the reflection you're seeing.

The truth is, there are going to be days, weeks, and months where I dislike the reflection I see. But it's how I overcome that feeling that truly matters. Because like I stated in my last blog post, sometimes you have to take a sit back and look at what is really important. Not everyone see's your flaws as you see them infact most of the time they don't notice them at all. Feeling good about yourself is important but not as important as missing out of friendships and relationship over spending more time over analysing the thickness of your thighs, the curves on your hips, size of your biceps or the amount of fat on your tummy.

I hope I haven't rambled too much during this post, I have tried to be somewhat positive yet honest at the same time. Please do let me know your thoughts and if any of you suffer with Body Dysmophia, what are your ways of dealing with the bad days?

Much love,

Holli xxx

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  1. Thank you for this post, I really needed that! I used to struggle really bad with anorexia and body image, my ways to cope to this days are surrounding myself with my family (loving mum, and two cute and funny brothers), going for a walk and look for the awesome things around me, thinking of things I'm gtateful for and capable of (like I can go to uni and study what I like because I fuel my brain to actually learn something interesting) and if nothing works, I let myself fall apart but I promise myself, I will pick myself back up the next day xxx

    1. You're very welcome lovely. Thank you for such a lovely comment. I'm so glad you're finding ways of dealing with the bad days. Remember it's okay not to be okay, and there is always going to be a brighter moment just around the corner. xxx

  2. I spend time with people who couldn't give a shit about my looks and love me for me and absorb their energy for a while. I also get outside and really remind myself of my place on this earth. I'm nearly 30 now and have suffered with eating disorders and body dysmorphia for a long time and although it never goes away. Your rational voice will become loudest; the fight will get easier x

    1. Thank you so much for this comment. This has really helped me. Keep fighting and never give up x


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