Finally | Why I Went Back to Veganism...


I'm VERY nervous about writing this post, I'm not going to lie. It's something I've been putting off. Through my whole blogging journey I've never actually been afraid to write and share something but this I know has been lingering. 

It has however been highly requested, so I thought I better get my ass into gear. I have some explaining to do, no matter the response I'm going to get. 

I don't really know where to start. I kind of feel like a hypocrite to myself and I guess I'm beyond worried with what other people will think. But, yes, despite my most recent decisions and although I said I would never label myself again... I have turned back to Veganism. I know now, I can safely say I'll never go back. 

When I first originally went Vegan back in November 2016, it was a no brainier decision. I already wasn't eating meat as I was Vegetarian, I was intolerant to eggs and dairy making it rather easy. I'd developed such a big interest in the whole lifestyle, the want to help save the planet, my own health, the well being and voice of animals. In all honesty it just felt right. At the time I felt so good mentally and physically, I was certain of my decision. I was mainly plant based, as my diet is usually healthy (apart from the odd bar of chocolate and vegan pizza) but based around real, whole foods. I felt like I'd finally found my place with something. After a long battle with food, I was finally finding balance. I was making a change. In my head I knew I was never going to go back. This lifestyle suited me more than anything and I was more than content.  

This next part, part of me gets so annoyed at myself for. I have my reasons why I started eating meat again which I did state. It was mainly a mental battle I was facing, in my heart I knew that Veganism was right yet for some reason I began to feel trapped. I didn't feel like I was restricting anything because my god I'm far from restricted on a Vegan diet.I think it was the whole idea of a label. At the time I was feeling rather down and fatigued which I automatically believed was down to my diet ... but it actually wasn't. It didn't make sense because Veganism has actually allowed me to involve more nutrients, variety and veggies into my diet, giving me nothing but energy and happiness.

Then I got a weird craving for fish and it really scared me, I didn't know how to control it. I tried to ignore it at first... But it only got worse. My beliefs for some reason went straight out of the window. It affected me mentally. I eventually decided that for my mental health, I was going to involve fish back into my diet. Then it led to meat. At first I thought it was the right thing. I was feeling a little better. But the whole thing was nerve racking in itself, I mean going from a full blown Vegan to now eating meat again, the one thing I said I'd never do. I was so so so scared. It's funny how these type of things always create the fear of what other people are going to think about us. 

I know it sounds wrong. I had to block it all out. The thoughts, my beliefs, the fear of what others may think. Part of me felt awful but another part of me knew that I needed to do it. I guess it was like a mental clarification inside of me. The more I began eating animal products again... I actually didn't see any improvements. I felt worse. My digestion, mood, skin... Everything. I guess everyone online thought that I was feeling better or okay, but you can show what you like to the online world, ey. 

I was extremely confused. I was torn between being stuck between my head, heart and everything else. 

So, what did I do next? Well I cut down on my meat because I WANTED to not because I felt I HAD to. It helped. I started getting back into creating more veggie meals again. I focused on other things such as more sleep, veggies, more water and self care which helped me with my fatigue, skin and general mood. Proving that it was more factors playing a part than just diet. So I focused on no label, and just listening to what my body wanted me to do. I fuel best of plenty of veggies, wholesome, natural foods, so that's what I focused on. Whether that was with fish, meat or not.

I then hit a point where the mental side of things certainly caught up with me. Despite everything, my views and beliefs towards Veganism had never changed. So now in my head, putting everything else aside, I wasn't actually ashamed of the 'label'... I was god damn proud of it. Why should I ever feel the shame of wanting to do something that was good for the planet, my own life and the voice of another living thing. If anything I should be over the moon I've reached a place where I've fought the mental battle to do the one thing I wanted to always do.

It didn't feel right going back to eating meat or consuming animal products, and I knew deep down in my heart I knew this. It was just hard to turn back once I'd done it. the thought of meat was appalling me. I couldn't stand it. The thought of knowing what I was doing was killing me inside. I found myself not wanting to eat anything. So I knew what I had to do.

And now? Well I'm happier than I've ever been. My diet is so varied and balanced and I never ever feel deprived. I know what works for me, what makes me feel good. While knowing I'm doing good for the world. It makes me proud. I'm proud to be Vegan. Despite what you may or may not think, I guess some may say it was wrong of me, that I'm a hypocrite but I don't see it like that anymore.

It was a learning curve. A chance I took and came back on, I'll admit. I did feel ashamed but I can't keep beating myself up for something I've learned. This is why I always say 'one shoes doesn't fit all,' we are all different. We all think differently, we all have different opinions, different ways, different bodies, different minds. It's okay to take time figuring it out.

Always do what you want to do.

Speak soon,

Holli x

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