Startin from scratch

10:36




I don’t really know how to begin this post other than welcome back. It’s been a while since I even considered trying to put a piece of writing together never mind a full post of the in’s and outs of my brain. In fact, it has been 5 months since I sat down in front of my laptop and wanted to write. My life has been a bit of a crazy one this year and especially the past 5 months, with probably more ups and down than you could possibly imagine.  As the end of the year and decade is around the corner, it’s been one of the greatest and most challenging years of my life, but I wouldn’t change any of it or anything I have learned. I feel like I needed to catch up and explain why I have been gone for so long.


When I say I haven’t wanted to write I really haven’t wanted to write. Considering I have written since I could start writing, it’s been a weird sensation through my body to know I just didn’t want to anymore. Happily Holli had well and truly died. So, I want to start why I have come back to bring Happily Holli back to life.


The start of this year I lost my passion, I never realised it, but I had lost my passion for love, for writing, for life, for who I was. Going through a break up over Christmas took its massive toll on me and I started to become a version of myself I didn’t like at all, yet at the time I really couldn’t care less. I did many things I regret, and my life was based around got out and drinking too much to forget all the pain and hurt I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong I love a good gin or 4 but this was for all the wrong reasons. I was tired, I was tired of being hurt which lead me to losing all respect for who I was. I wasn’t living anymore I was just surviving. I’ve been in and out of ‘dating’, hardly dating but you know what I mean. Meeting the wrong people, mainly because of how I was feeling and portraying myself. In all honesty I had lost myself, hence why I haven’t written anything or anything worth sharing. I didn’t feel like an inspiration to anyone only a disappointment. Over the years I have worked so hard on building up my writing and my blog, using my story to inspire and give people hope it’s a huge passion of mine. I felt like that it had really slipped away from my fingertips. Recently someone has come along into my life when I least expected it and completely changed that. He has brought back my spark and my passion for life. He has shown me that love exists, that it’s okay to let love in and to give love out. There is nothing wrong with feelings, fire or happiness. They’re what makes us human. They allow us to inspire and help others. He has walked into my life and loved me more than anyone else has loved me, which for that has allowed me to fall back in love with myself. And that is what has brought back my need and want to write. They say that you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, that really isn’t true.


With all of this it has reminded me why I ever began writing my blog in the first place. It wasn’t just for my own wellbeing and passion but to motivate and radiate hope to other people. The need I have to help others is still deep inside of me. Which brings me to the second reason I stopped writing, my struggles mentally with my eating disorder. The past few months have truly been a struggle, I’ve been faced with demons in my mind which I thought were long gone. Yet these thoughts and feelings have crept back up on me, I guess that when I have looked at how far I have come, I believed that struggling again was failure. Everyone who has followed and supports me over the years has seen how I’ve recovered and grown stronger as a person. I’ve had girls come and tell me I have saved their lives and as much as I am astonished, I could ever do something like that, it is also a massive amount of pressure. I felt like I couldn’t be struggling again. Yet that is not true, not everyone can be on top of the world, doing their best all the time.


And that is what I wanted to begin my first post back with. That everyone, all the time cannot possibly feel their best. It is okay to feel, to cry and to hurt but to remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. For years I had engraved in me that love didn’t exist and that I wasn’t allowed to be loved, yet that has truly changed. Love is beautiful. Feelings are beautiful. Once you allow them in. It’s like my eyes have been opened to how beautiful life is around me and life is too short to waste a moment with doubts. Shitty moments do not last forever, they do truly pass. Writing for me is an outlet, a way to express them feelings in ways I have never been able to. That is why my journey of writing shall begin again, starting with this. Love. If you do one thing today… Let someone know you love them. Wake up and tell your mum, dad, sister, brother, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife! Whoever it may be. Let them know.


Holli x


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