Wednesday, 20 November 2019

Startin from scratch

I don’t really know how to begin this post other than welcome back. It’s been a while since I even considered trying to put a piece of writing together never mind a full post of the in’s and outs of my brain. In fact, it has been 5 months since I sat down in front of my laptop and wanted to write. My life has been a bit of a crazy one this year and especially the past 5 months, with probably more ups and down than you could possibly imagine.  As the end of the year and decade is around the corner, it’s been one of the greatest and most challenging years of my life, but I wouldn’t change any of it or anything I have learned. I feel like I needed to catch up and explain why I have been gone for so long.

When I say I haven’t wanted to write I really haven’t wanted to write. Considering I have written since I could start writing, it’s been a weird sensation through my body to know I just didn’t want to anymore. Happily Holli had well and truly died. So, I want to start why I have come back to bring Happily Holli back to life.

The start of this year I lost my passion, I never realised it, but I had lost my passion for love, for writing, for life, for who I was. Going through a break up over Christmas took its massive toll on me and I started to become a version of myself I didn’t like at all, yet at the time I really couldn’t care less. I did many things I regret, and my life was based around got out and drinking too much to forget all the pain and hurt I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong I love a good gin or 4 but this was for all the wrong reasons. I was tired, I was tired of being hurt which lead me to losing all respect for who I was. I wasn’t living anymore I was just surviving. I’ve been in and out of ‘dating’, hardly dating but you know what I mean. Meeting the wrong people, mainly because of how I was feeling and portraying myself. In all honesty I had lost myself, hence why I haven’t written anything or anything worth sharing. I didn’t feel like an inspiration to anyone only a disappointment. Over the years I have worked so hard on building up my writing and my blog, using my story to inspire and give people hope it’s a huge passion of mine. I felt like that it had really slipped away from my fingertips. Recently someone has come along into my life when I least expected it and completely changed that. He has brought back my spark and my passion for life. He has shown me that love exists, that it’s okay to let love in and to give love out. There is nothing wrong with feelings, fire or happiness. They’re what makes us human. They allow us to inspire and help others. He has walked into my life and loved me more than anyone else has loved me, which for that has allowed me to fall back in love with myself. And that is what has brought back my need and want to write. They say that you cannot love someone else until you love yourself, that really isn’t true.

With all of this it has reminded me why I ever began writing my blog in the first place. It wasn’t just for my own wellbeing and passion but to motivate and radiate hope to other people. The need I have to help others is still deep inside of me. Which brings me to the second reason I stopped writing, my struggles mentally with my eating disorder. The past few months have truly been a struggle, I’ve been faced with demons in my mind which I thought were long gone. Yet these thoughts and feelings have crept back up on me, I guess that when I have looked at how far I have come, I believed that struggling again was failure. Everyone who has followed and supports me over the years has seen how I’ve recovered and grown stronger as a person. I’ve had girls come and tell me I have saved their lives and as much as I am astonished, I could ever do something like that, it is also a massive amount of pressure. I felt like I couldn’t be struggling again. Yet that is not true, not everyone can be on top of the world, doing their best all the time.

And that is what I wanted to begin my first post back with. That everyone, all the time cannot possibly feel their best. It is okay to feel, to cry and to hurt but to remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. For years I had engraved in me that love didn’t exist and that I wasn’t allowed to be loved, yet that has truly changed. Love is beautiful. Feelings are beautiful. Once you allow them in. It’s like my eyes have been opened to how beautiful life is around me and life is too short to waste a moment with doubts. Shitty moments do not last forever, they do truly pass. Writing for me is an outlet, a way to express them feelings in ways I have never been able to. That is why my journey of writing shall begin again, starting with this. Love. If you do one thing today… Let someone know you love them. Wake up and tell your mum, dad, sister, brother, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife! Whoever it may be. Let them know.

Holli x

Tuesday, 16 July 2019

To the girl who hasn't been herself lately.

To the girl who hasn't been herself lately,

Your spark will come back, you never really lost it. It is still there flickering inside of you waiting to be relighted. I know things have been a little tougher than usual recently but darling you have been though much, much worse. You have faught demons and monsters and all the deep and dark insecurities within. This is nothing. This is a tiny hill on the beach compared to mount Everest.

Yes, you may have changed. You mind may be playing tricks on you. Your body has changed but you know something? Your body is always going to change. Every year, every month, every day. You're growing, evolving and blossoming. Just because you carry a little more or little less weight on your hips does not define you for who you are. Stop overanalysing everything. Stop doubting yourself. Stop beating yourself up. If you are struggling, you are struggling. You ARE allowed to struggle. It doesn't mean you are going back 1000 steps.

Things change gorgeous, the world is always changing. You are going to gain people and lose people. Some too soon and some you have to appreciate the times they were always in your life. Don't be scared. Don't let it stop you. Give out your love and don't let it hold you back. You are so passionate and powerful and you shouldn't let any person make you feel any less of yourself because they only want you for your body. Stay strong to your beliefs and who YOU are. Search for love within yourself before within another. Remember the girl you always wanted to be.

Remember why you started. Remember why you choose every day to fight and to carry on. Remember what you want out of life, not what you think you want. Don't give up on your goals and don't be afraid to be who you are. You are loud, you are ambitious, you are strong and anyone who can't handle that isn't worth your time. Don't try to shrink yourself to make someone else's life easier or happier. Make yourself happy first. People have been telling you you're too much for this world but you are not. You can be whoever you want to be. You can scream it from the roof tops.

Don't let a change of mind weaken your heart. You can leave the job, leave the friendship, leave the relationship, leave the town. This is YOUR life. If it doesn't fill your soul and heart, why are you investing so much of your emotions into it? Stop trying to save things which are not true to you. Which are not honest and pure. You know who you are. You know what you want. Stop settling for less.

There is so much out there and you have touched so many peoples lives without realising. You still have so much to do. You have a book to write. You have countries to see. People and places to fall in love with. Many more heartbreaks. Many more friendships. Much more food to try. Many more peoples lives you want to touch.

It's okay not to be yourself for a while darlin. But please remember to always come back home.

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

To all the people who have broke my heart.

To everyone who has broke my heart.

To every guy who cheated on me: Wasn’t I good enough for you? Why were you always searching for something more when I gave you everything? Let me tell you something. You will NEVER be satisfied. You will always be searching and hoping and wanting more. Looking back now, I can clearly see you were a lucky escape. The funny thing is the girl you decided over me? She either did the same thing to you or you are still hopelessly searching for something to fill that never-ending void within you. Thank you for leaving me when you did. You are not deserving of me.

To every guy who played mind games: I hope you are happy. Knowing you continuously go around giving people the wrong messages. Why pick me up to only throw me back down? Why give me a tiny bit of hope, a look into the future when you have no intention whatsoever. You are a coward, a coward from yourself and a coward from others. Manipulation is all that fills your body up to the core. It is almost like you enjoy doing it, knocking us down like dominoes. One by one. Must I say, like the rest, you will never find what you are looking for because you have no clue what it is you want. Thank you for teaching me I deserve more than maybes.

To the one-night stand: You didn’t break my heart, but you reminded me how worthless I feel. Yes, I was partly to blame but what we had was nothingness. Empty. Pointless. Just a moment of lust to leave me. Just know, you are nothing in my life and you will never be returned. Thank you for the sex mind.

To the person I trusted: You hurt me the most. You broke me down into a million pieces when I thought you were my safety. It took every inch and particle in my body to open my heart to you. To place my trust in you when I felt no one was left to trust. You poured out your words hearing them so truthful and pure. I truly believed you could never leave me. I would have gone to the ends of the Earth for you. I saw a future and a life ahead of us, something I had felt with no other being. You gave me so much hope to love and friendship. I thought you believed in me, when all you really wanted was to control me. You didn’t love me. You used me. You never had any intention of being with me, only manipulating me to make you feel you were on the high pedestal. Do you realise how disgusting you made me feel about myself? Do you even care? All I did was love you and return you gave me the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. Yet I still thank you, for making me realise how god damn worthy I am. I deserve more than lies and hurt.

To the friend: Friends come and go but your loss was a heartbreak different from the rest. It wasn’t a bad heartbreak but the one that pulls your heart out of your chest knowing I have no more time left with you. Just thinking that our last hug was our last and I cannot hear your voice again. You were taken far too soon, and I cannot stand the thought of you never coming back. I want to talk to you. I want to just tell you everything. I wish I could. Yet I thank you, for being part of my life and continuing to watch over me. You are always with me.

To myself: I am so so so sorry Hollie. I have spent years breaking your heart. Putting you down and destroying you. Putting your through hell and back. Self-hate, illness, shitty relationships and anger. You deserve so much more. You deserve all the love in the world. You deserve all the self-love. You deserve someone who is as full and loveable as you are. Someone who cherishes you as much as you cherish them. You deserve the world. You are beautiful and you deserve to feel that way. Thank you for being you.